• Jun
    4

    Shaking the Tree of My Existence

     

    So much has happened as of late, much of it little to do with travel and yet, important from the perspective of living. In earlier posts I’d written about my spiritual journey, of awakening several years ago and the dissolution and disorientation that’s followed.

    Fortunately, I have people to help me, friends and spiritual teachers who have traveled the road before me. They’ve offered me signposts and teachings along the way. Still, it hasn’t been easy. In fact, the process has taken me into many of my deepest fears, what Adyashanti refers to as the level of the gut, of existential self.

    In this place everything that one has repressed comes up and there’s no escape. Like it or not, it has to be faced, once and for all.

    This has included homelessness, asking for help, former relationships, setting boundaries in the middle of chaos, unfinished business, abusive landlords, and more. Through each of these has come a willingness to meet each of these challenges as they happen. I’ve found, much to my astonishment, that I wasn’t crushed, nor did it kill me.

    I’m still here. And paradoxically, I have the sense that all is well, despite the dramas, despite being really pushed hard internally, to face what I would give anything to avoid. It’s not what I expected.

    Old issues surface and with them the stories, reasons why not, justifications for this, that and the other thing – all of it worthless. In the middle of it all is the simple invitation to surrender, to drop the stories, the defenses and to let it all go.

    On the other side of that is peace and stillness. And occasionally, bursts of joy.

    As I reach out more and more, I’m astonished by the number of people reaching back – in ways I never expected. This is not what I was taught and it’s a huge relief to know I’m not alone.

    The strange thing is I know I needed these lessons. I would have preferred that the method not be so brutal, but perhaps that was necessary to get my attention. It worked, for sure and my life is changing rapidly as a result.

    Who knows where it will all go?

    © Nathan Segal 2013

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